Modern Dating Terminology
DATING & RELATIONSHIPS
“A fulfilling long-term relationship is not accomplished by just finding the one. It is rather a co-operation between two passionate and highly motivated partners working together, figuring out every single situation holding hands. If there is trust at the root of the relationship, if the partners make an effort to keep it interesting, if difficulties are handled tactfully and if you can appreciate every single deed of your partner no matter how insignificant it is, the flames of love would never burn out and your love can truly live happily ever after.”
- Abhijit Naskar, "The Art of Neuroscience in Everything” -
Dating isn’t easy, and it’s a relatively new phenomenon in our society as a whole. Dating is also dramatically impacted by the digital age and the supremacy of social media in our society. Even if you aren’t personally on any dating sites, it still impacts the dating culture as a whole. Let’s establish some phrases and terms, as dating has been so revolutionized as to require multiple new words and phrases to describe various dating behaviors.
Ghosting is when you have been actively communicating with someone, perhaps even gone out on a few dates, but then they suddenly vanish in terms of communication - noticeably without warning or a farewell. You will not receive a phone call, text messages, or emails from them, or any kind of declaration they “don’t see a future together.” However, this is not limited to dating; as people also doing this more frequently with friends and acquaintances. People usually resort to ghosting when they want an easy way out without having to deal with a confrontation, issue any explanations, or cause any hurt feelings.
Caspering is the friendly alternative to ghosting. Instead of ignoring someone, you can gently let them down before leaving their lives. This may still entail no concrete declaration that things aren’t going to work out. Instead, polite replies come infrequently, casually, with no interest expressed in future plans to get together. The end result is the same - they completely exit your life.
Submariners or Zombieing is when someone ghosts you for an extended period of time - then they reappear out of nowhere, with no explanation. There is no remorse, apology, or even acknowledgment of poor behavior. They simply have enough audacity to reach out and expect you to pick it up as if nothing happened. They may even have the nerve to blame you for their poor behavior.
Haunting is a hybrid of ghosting and zombieing in which the ghoster continues to lurk on your social media despite ceasing direct contact with you. For example, they may have stopped responding to your DMs but continue to watch your Stories or like the occasional post. This can also be called Orbiting, because they are orbiting your radius without actually directly interacting with you.
Benching refers to sports, where extra players are kept on the bench in order to act as a reserve. You are treated as an extra, or understudy, a last resort if the first-stringer doesn’t work out. A person who benches you keeps you on the sidelines but neither commits to you or allows you to move on.
Breadcrumbing is yet another dating practice in which people do not want to commit to a relationship but want to keep their options open. It's when someone seduces you with flirtatious texts in order to keep you around, but they never make a concerted effort to move the relationship forward. When you appear to lose interest in them, they will suddenly try to charm you again, but the emotional labor they offer is low-effort. The result is that you are kept on the bench or backburner for when they don't have access to more desirable dating candidates.
Cuffing Season refers to a period of time when single people begin looking for short-term relationships to help them get through the colder months of the year. Cuffing season typically begins in October and ends shortly after Valentine's Day. People who would normally prefer to date casually or are promiscuous find themselves desiring to be "cuffed" or “tied down” by a relationship. Singles become lonely as a result of the cold weather and prolonged indoor activity. Cuffing is also associated with desperation, as high standards are relaxed and the focus is on just being in a relationship, any relationship - as being preferable to being single. Also, the holidays put additional pressure on some people, as parents demand to meet a significant other, or you need a reliable date for holiday parties and other events. New relationships begin, and established relationships become engagements, and it is common for people to move into together at this stage.
Catfishing is the practice of taking information and images, usually from other people, and using them to create a new identity for oneself. In some cases, a catfisher steals another person's entire identity, and pretends to be them. This is identity theft and outright fraud. You have been catfished if you have interacted with a real person who created a fake persona online to form relationships with other people. The term was popularized by the 2010 documentary Catfish, and there are a variety of reasons for this behavior. Some catfishing may be nothing more than a lonely person's attempt to find things they are missing in real life: romance, excitement, or a thrill. However, rather than being open, they hide behind a fake persona, perhaps due to insecurity.
In these cases, their victims usually feel betrayed, embarrassed, or cheated out of countless hours invested in a false relationship. However, the modern linguistic use of this term is broader, usually jokingly referencing a situation where the in-person image of your date is less attractive (or more overweight) than their online photos represented. With cunning camera angles, a plethora of filters, good lighting and outright photoshop, these people do use their own pictures online, but just … alter them significantly in order to put their best foot forward.
Kittenfishing when someone only fakes a few or relatively insignificant aspects of their identity. Although the original meaning of catfishing is to fabricate a false identity, the phrase is commonly used in everyday language to indicate a person (usually a female) who uses makeup and fashion products to elevate their attractiveness to the extent they are virtually unrecognizable from their pre-made-up persona. On TikTock and other social media platforms, there are those who have made their fame via an expert application of make-up. These artists are so skilled at the subtle art of layering bronzers, highlighters, blushes and other powders, and the donning of wigs, body-shaping garments such as spanxs, sexy clothing, jewelry, and high heels, that the transformation is truly radical. These people are rarely malicious, instead this transformation is often a genuine manifestation of their unique self.
White Clawing is when you date someone you have a physical attraction to despite the fact that they are boring or stupid as a person. People frequently date attractive men and women for a variety of reasons, despite seeing no long-term potential for a relationship, or feeling any kind of deeper connection.
Paperclipping is derived from "Clippy," a Microsoft Word icon popular in the early 2000s. It was a feature that we never really found useful, but it kept appearing and offering its assistance anyway. Illustrator Samantha Rothenberg used the infamous icon as a visual for a certain kind of flaky behavior. A post on her Instagram account shows Clippy voicing some too-familiar sentiments. “Sometimes I pop up for no reason at all,” Clippy says in the illustration. “See, the truth is, I’m damaged, flaky, and not particularly interested in you. But I don’t want you to forget I exist."
Layby is a term for when a person is already in a relationship but unhappy and wants out. Rather than experiencing any period of being single, they begin laying the groundwork for a new relationship while remaining in the previous one. Before this term existed, people spoke about “serial monogamists” - people who have very little time in between long-term relationships. Laybys are the type of people who plan new romantic prospects while they're still in committed relationships. This is done to ensure a smooth transition from one relationship to the next and to avoid feeling alone or lonely after a breakup. Those being pursued by a layby should be cautious because he or she may have several 'next' options lined up, not to mention that they are not technically single.
Cushioning is similar to Laybys, as it occurs when someone entertains other potential romantic "options" while in a relationship. They are not physically cheating, but are engaging in flirtatious behavior with a potential romantic interest that is kept secret from your main relationship. This can happen early in a relationship, or when you’re not sure about the relationship - so you have several “cushions” (other romantic prospects) lined up in case things don’t work out.
Catch & Release dating is a move preferred by those who enjoy the 'chase' phase of a relationship, the initial flirtation and limerance that occurs when starting a new relationship. Once they've 'caught' the object of their desire, this commitment-phobe will 'release' them without ever being pinned down.
Flashpanning is when things are exciting when you first start dating someone, but as the relationship evolves, you must make room for responsibilities and more serious matters. In flashpanning, your partner will participate in all of the exciting parts with you but will disappear as soon as any difficult phase begins.
Breezing is one of the few mostly positive dating terms - it means not taking things too seriously, but it does not mean ‘not caring’ or ‘ngaf’. Breezing someone entails admitting that you have feelings for someone, but not allowing those feelings to be the only positive thing in your life at the time. It’s not allowing a crush-feeling or the feeling of limerance to take control, and staying true to your authentic self. When you are breezing, you are open about your feelings, and you aren’t playing dating games, although you don’t over-share early on on the relationship. Easy-breezy.
Pocketing, or Stashing is when someone you're dating hides you from their friends and family, and also from social media. They may be pocketing you because they are embarrassed by or have problems with their family, or do not see a serious future with you, or perhaps they are in another relationship at the same time. If they were embarrassed by you in some way, this makes it even worse. Similarly, if a person you're dating conceals the fact that they're involved with multiple people at the same time, this is referred to as roaching. (There’s never just one roach.)
Soft Launching is a term that refers to launching a new website in stages. It means the same thing in dating slang, except that what is being launched is a new relationship. The term refers to the practice of posting subtle hints on social media that you're dating someone new — for example, two glasses of wine, or a picture of holding hands — without revealing any identifying information of that new person. "Congratulations on the soft launch of ur boyfriend (pic on story, elbow and side profile only)," actress Rachel Sennet tweeted in 2020. “If everything goes well, you might be able to share photos of each other on the main feed.”
Red Flags are signs you should have seen as indicators things were not going to work out. Often-times, red flags are only apparent after the relationship has gone sour - the term is used colloquially like: “such a red flag that he wouldn’t meet my parents.” Oftentimes a person will ignore or gloss over any “red flags” their date is putting out, because there are other desirable traits they prefer to focus on. A perceptive person will pay attention to an excessive amount of red flags in order not to become entangled in an abusive or harmful relationship. There are other types of “flags” used in our dating lexicon, such as: “green flags” (things you actively look for in a partner), “yellow flags” (things that are neither desirable nor dealbreakers), and “orange flags” (things that rub you the wrong way), which can help you assess the full picture of how you feel about the relationship.
Negging is a backhanded compliment intended to undermine someone's confidence. This is often represented as an insult about an entire group of people that makes you want to say "no - not me". The purpose of this negative compliment is to prompt you to want to prove yourself. Declarations of having “high standards” is one kind of negging, which is designed to make you feel special at being selected, and are aimed at spurring you to try and live up to these supposedly elevated standards.
"I'm extremely selective, so don't be surprised if I don't respond," reads one negging dating profile. This person wants you to feel flattered when they "pick" you. “If I ask you what books you read and you say ‘I’m more into movies’ I’ll probably ghost you.” This is a person who wants you to prove your intelligence, and he is forthright in advertising his bad behavior if you don’t conform to his narrow ideas. A classic negging example: "This is unusual for me; I usually date models; it's refreshing to date a regular girl.” This implies you are not as attractive as others he has dated, and once again attempts to simultaneously make you feel special at being “picked” and also put you down and cause your insecurities to flare.
People who have something to prove to their date or who feel off balance, will more often engage in behaviors that are attempting to conform, in order to obtain approval and acceptance. Think of the movie “A Devil Wears Prada” in which negging is prevalent in the workplace. When highly critical and demanding Miranda Priestly issues the mildest indication of approval, her employees dissolve in ecstasy, as her supposedly high standards and consistent denial of positive feedback make the occurrence of it highly valued. If you are constantly trying to prove something to your date, you may be affected by negging behaviors, whose subtle manipulations can be hard to spot.
Love Bombing is when your partner lavishes you with love and affection early on in the relationship, with intent to gain your trust and attachment. The excessive attention, the “instant connection”, the feeling of being the total focus of someone else’s time and affection are all characteristics of being love-bombed. We all love to feel attractive and desired, and a love bomber will not be shy. Compliments, material gifts, and making long term plans or implying a future together are also common strategies employed by a love-bomber. These overwhelming declarations often come quite early in the relationship as well, and a person may be taken aback by the intensity, yet swayed by treasured concepts in our culture, such as “love at first sight”.
Love bombing can be a first warning sign of danger, as it is a favorite tactic used by narcissists and domestic abusers everywhere. Essentially, the love bomber overwhelms their victim with affection, establishes the format of the intense relationship, then cuts the victim off from other influences like family and friends. Once a dependent relationship is established with the victim, the abuse begins. While it is common among narcissists, the term "love bombing" was coined by famous cult leaders rather than psychologists. Members of the Unification Church of the United States (a notorious cult known as the Moonies) love-bombed new recruits in order to persuade them to join their fellowship. Other narcissistic cult leaders, such as Jim Jones and David Koresh, used a similar method of excessive positive reinforcement to instill feelings of intense loyalty in their followers.