Abusive Families

“A person raised in a healthy family is equipped to live a confident and independent life; someone from an unhealthy family is filled with fear and self-doubt. He has difficulty with the prospect of life without someone else. The devaluing messages of control and manipulation create dependency so those who most need to leave their family of origin are the least equipped to do so.”

- Christina Enevoldsen -

The family dynamic can go wrong - very wrong. There are far too many instances of domestic abuse - or even death. A mother drowns her children in the bathtub, or the father shoots his whole family and kills himself, or the husband takes out a contract to kill his wife so he can be with his mistress, or the wife runs away without a trace, abandoning her commitment to the marriage. A serial killer is always the guy next door. Quiet, friendly, and a family man. Most evil people have families. Having a family does not save you from weakness, rather it can expose your faults and flaws, magnifying and widening the cracks in your psyche, until the whole facade breaks under pressure.

Most abuse happens by “hitting down.” This refers to how a more powerful person (often physically more powerful) expresses their power by harming, degrading, belittling or manipulating a less powerful person in the relationship. Parents abuse children more often than the reverse. Men more often abuse women. Yet that does not mean that abuse is only limited to those categories, and harm can often be quite insidious, as the abuser is incentivized to disguise their actions. In other words, it’s a two-way street, and types of abuse can “intersect” each other, such as expressing both physical and emotional abuse.

Two people can abuse each other in semi-equal, yet distinct ways. Painting one person as the bad guy and the other as the innocent victim is not always the right way to view such abusive behavior. Yet, abuse causes anger at the injustice, and those who are angry lash out. If one person consistently emotionally abuses the other until, in a rage, they strike their abuser, both have crossed the line and are guilty of harming others. It can be difficult to “hold back” if another person has harmed you, the instinct to fight back is strong. Be cautious of descending into a mutually toxic relationship in which the goal seems to be a vengeance. Most often, the best reaction when you experience abuse is to try and extricate yourself entirely from the situation, releasing the possibility of escalation.

It can be confusing to grow up with an emotionally abusive parent. When you come to this realization, it can alter how you interpret all of your childhood memories, and change your current relationship with them. Everything that happens frequently is normal to a child. Therefore we all can normalize some pretty weird behaviors. Oftentimes it is well into adulthood when we have an “aha” moment that something was off about our childhood. Emotional abuse is when someone is manipulated in traumatic ways. It is making someone feel inferior, worthless, or not good enough. When a parent does this to a child, it can be excruciatingly painful because a child instinctively expects a parent to love and support them. They internalize a feeling of inferiority and worthlessness because of the way they were treated. They could be prone to redirect these behaviors onto others in their own life, continuing the cycle of abuse. Or they could lean towards opposite behavior, but not realize it is still harmful.

Seeking the advice of a professional therapist can assist a person in their personal growth, and help identify harmful behaviors. Education and identification of these behaviors is crucial. Let’s look at some of the emotionally and psychologically abusive behaviors that are most common in people who are abusive parents.

You May Have Abusive Parents if…

They Were Moody: How moody your parent was when you were a kid? If a parent's mood swings made you feel like you were always walking on eggshells and were always nervous or scared of what would happen if they were triggered, they may have been emotionally abusive. Making another person responsible (especially a child) for how you feel and behave is irresponsible and manipulative. If their mood swings were unpredictable, unrelated or out of proportion to the instigating event, or could be turned on-and-off at will, then you were likely experiencing emotional abuse. If the child was the one being blamed for mood swings or actions relating to emotions, then emotional abuse was probably occurring. Victim blaming is an insidious practice in which the abuser redirects responsibility for their actions onto the person they have harmed. “Look what you made me do.” As an adult, it’s important to accept responsibility for your own actions, and identify that others are in control and responsible for their own actions. In other words, you didn’t “make” your abuser hurt you - that was a decision that was entirely on them.

They Were Excessively Critical: It is abusive behavior for a parent to focus on the negative aspects of a child's achievements and dismiss or minimize any behavior that does not benefit them. Being critical, demeaning, manipulative, and expecting perfection is one way to tell that a parent views their child as simply an extension of their own ego. Such a parent is controlling, and wants their children to behave in a certain way in order to “reflect well” upon the parent. Since the parent in these situation does not acknowledge a child’s independence or autonomy, physical and emotional rewards are only given upon achievement of a high standard and by strictly conforming to certain “good” behaviors. These parents more resemble competitive coaches than nurturing caregivers. Even compliments or praise are never without an agenda, or an implication that more could have been achieved.

Any failure was the child’s fault, and any success, a direct reflection of the parent. If you can still hear their negative comments in your head, or if they continue to say these things to you even to this day, you know they are externalizing their negative feelings about themselves onto you. This abusive behavior can lead to self-esteem issues and insecurity. Of course, an abuser disguises their abuse in the form of simply wanting to improve or help their child achieve their potential. However, it is abusive behavior to expect perfection and become overly disappointed when you do not receive it. No one is perfect, least of all children. Even very young children have their own thoughts, opinions and personalities. When the life-path a young person takes is different from their critical parent’s agenda, an explosion or expulsion can happen.

Excessively critical parents make sure their children know their love is conditional. It is a requirement that the children live up to certain standards in order to “earn” that parent’s love and affection. Unfortunately, as many children who grew up in the homes of cold and critical parents can attest, sometimes even achieving an ideal of perfection does not guarantee the reward of warmth and love. The goal post is always moving. In adulthood, this can manifest as internalized negative self-talk. Be careful if you are very “hard on yourself”, struggle with feelings of self-worth, or describe yourself as a perfectionist. Having to “earn love” in the form of perfection is damaging, and self-love is an important first step to overcoming that kind of negative mental conditioning.

They Invalidated Your Emotions & Experiences: Consider whether your parent was emotionally available, just as you would like a romantic partner to be. When you express your concerns, were they heard and validated, or rudely interrupted and dismissed? One example could be a child being told they are being overly sensitive when expressing a valid concern. Another example is a child who expressing a desire to harm themselves and is told that they are just trying to get attention. Children who express more extreme abuse to non-abusing family members could be told the are lying or exaggerating, or that they misunderstood the situation. This is common in cases of incest and sexual abuse. If a child tries to report harm done to them by another, and is dismissed or accused of lying, this is outright abuse.

In these cases, their “voice” is not “heard”. Understand that gas-lighting is a form of abuse. After all, you would likely have been denied care or service due to the negation of your lived experience. Disregarding and diminishing someone result in low self-esteem, and adults who experienced such emotional abuse find themselves seeking outside validation to bolster their weakened self-image. If you have trouble “speaking up” or think that your concerns will not be seen as important or relevant, then you may have endured this behavior. Try to assure yourself that your identity, selfhood, and experiences are valid and you deserve to be seem, heard, and respected.

They were Passive-Aggressive: When someone is passive-aggressive, they don't tell you what they're really upset about. There is no direct communication at all, or even acknowledgment of negative emotions such as anger or frustration. The person who is being passive aggressive might be proud of their emotional fortitude, burying all their negativity inside instead of emoting it. However, strong emotions come to the surface one way or another.

Kendra Cherry, author of "Everything Psychology Book" states that “Some suggest that passive-aggressive behavior may stem from being raised in an environment where the direct expression of emotions was discouraged or not allowed. People may feel that they cannot express their real feelings more openly, so they may instead find ways to passively channel their anger or frustration.”

Passive-aggressive people practice avoidance; they play game such as giving the silent treatment, pouting, and engaging in gossip and slander. They will avoid people they dislike and put off tasks they don’t want to do, as well as ignore requests to behave in a socially appropriate manner. They arrive late to events they don't want to attend and gossip to others instead of discussing issues face to face. In the course of their gossip, they try to persuade others to join them in their heavy-handed critiques. They are harsh and critical of others, but not of themselves. They categorize emotions as "bad" or "good." They believe that "ugly" emotions should be kept hidden and will lead to rejection and ostracism. They point the finger at others for their own problems, and find it very difficult to take personal responsibility, part of their continued avoidance strategy. They are constantly complaining about how they are disrespected or unappreciated, and how unfairly they are treated. Hypocrisy runs rampant. Playing the victim or better yet, the martyr card is one of the only moves a passive aggressive person feels free to play. A passive aggressive person is characterized by 3 main traits:

1. Ineffective Communication.

2. Lack of Trust.

3. Inability to Express or Admit Anger.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a coping mechanism people use when they perceive themselves to be powerless. To be free of these behaviors, we must stand up for ourselves. The reversal of passive aggressiveness is to be forthright, communicative, honest, and to acknowledge the difficult emotions at play while still facing your emotions head-on.

They Were Excessively Anxious: If your parent was overly anxious and always asking you to help them or take care of them or their needs, then that can be considered emotional abuse. Anxiety is catching, and stressed children have increased levels of cortisol, which has been shown to cause health related problems later in life. One problem with dealing with an anxious parent is that there is no context for things that should actually be concerning. The parent is simply a bundle of nerves, manifesting in various ways such as: helicopter parenting and being overly protective, homeschooling or isolating children from worrying influences, or by simply being paralyzed by fear and doubt to a crippling degree.

It could be a “chicken little” situation in which the emotive parent says “the sky is falling” often enough that the child shuts them out and is unable to tell when there’s a real problem. Of course, fear and uncertainty open up a person to manipulation, so it could be that the parent truly suffered from anxiety disorders, or perhaps they were simply emotionally influencing their child in order to better manipulate them. Having an anxious parent means that a child is often adultified and forced to compensate for their parent by becoming “their rock” and performing difficult and stressful tasks for their parent in order to spare them the anxiety. The child could compensate by becoming particularly emotionally mature, or they could absorb the parents’ anxiety and become “nervous nellys” themselves. Either way, being raised in an environment with a lot of stress and fear is demonstrably bad for a child’s emotional and developmental health.

They Guilt-Trip You: Guilt is a powerful tool. It’s the feeling you get when you are responsible for doing something wrong. Some guilt is hidden inside and kept a secret. Other times guilt can be magnified by feeling caught or exposed. An abusive parent maximizes guilt, because they custom-built those buttons to push at will. They may say something along the lines of, “I gave up so much to have you, and you treat me like this.” Their behavior may not even be that overt, but if you remember feeling guilty a lot of the time during your childhood, then emotional abuse might have been at play. There can of course, be religious overtones or perhaps cultural ones.

Children of immigrants often struggle with the cultural clash that centers around what their parents feel they are owed vs what American society expects from the parent/child relationship. Guilt-tripping can be an expression of a fear of abandonment, or of over-reliance on another person. Parents who use guilt as a manipulative tool may be concerned about the distance created by their children establishing their own lives and devoting time and energy to others. They may be concerned about becoming less important or central in the child's life. They may be irritated or outraged that they aren't getting the attention they believe they deserve.

A guilt trip may successfully bring a child home to visit or call more frequently if the child internalizes the guilt and accepts responsibility for their parent's feelings. Increased contact may be the immediate payoff of guilting a child into closeness. But make no mistake: that contact comes at a high cost. An adult child who feels coerced into making contact, rather than excited to show up, may remain emotionally absent. Guilt destroys relationships and breeds resentment. Guilt can lead to increased physical closeness and acquiescence n the short term, but it cannot lead to true emotional intimacy. Long-term disconnection is exacerbated by guilt.

They Behaved Unethically In Other Areas: Bad behaviors tend to spill into other areas of life. For example, if a parent is an alcoholic, even if physical or verbal abuse never happens, bad decisions are being made with children present. Perhaps it’s drinking and driving, getting into arguments, or diverting resources to alcohol instead of towards the responsibilities of a parent - but there will be consequences. Parents who lie, cheat, steal and do drugs do all of those things with their kids in tow. Children normalize everything they see, and more often than not continue the cycle of abuse, including substance abuse. How many people have been unsurprised to find out their schoolyard bully was also abused at home? If you think back and notice your parents expressed ammoral behavior or seemed at ease breaking rules and laws, then you may have experienced some kind of abuse or neglect.

They Gave You the Silent Treatment: Children will sometimes play an annoying game, in which they give you the silent treatment. The game is simple: do not acknowledge the other person’s existence in any way, including speaking or looking at them. At first, this strategy is easily ignored. Then it starts to become disturbing in a psychological way. Seeking to reconcile and clear the air, attempts at communication will continue to be met with disdain and rejection. The silent treatment is used when the person giving it feels wronged, and wants an apology. It is a powerful tool of an abusive parent, who will simply ignore anything you say that does not fit in with their narrative.

They will refuse to engage with you on any level until you apologize to them about a minor or imaginary offense. They twist the conversation around until it is about them, and you are in the wrong. Refusing to acknowledge a lived experience is gaslighting, and the silent treatment plays right into this. A person who is giving you the silent treatment is choosing to play the victim in order to manipulate the situation. There is a reason this is a game mostly played by children. Adults should learn to face difficult conversations head on, with respect and communication. However, an abusive person will use their silence as a weapon, and make you grovel and apologize for crumbs of their acknowledgment or affection.

No Boundaries or Privacy: If your parent was overly involved in your life, to the point of complete lack of privacy and boundaries - such as constantly looking through your journals and social media accounts, listening in on your conversations and so forth, they may have been emotionally abusive. Not allowing a child to be their own self is a sign a parent does not view the child as an independent person, but rather as an extension of themselves, that must be controlled in order to maximize the benefit from having a child. A parent with no boundaries will disguise their meddling and protest they are simply protecting their child. But the persistent feeling of being watched by an authority figure who will enact punishments if you step out of line, is a weighty one indeed. There are reasons laws exist to protect a citizen’s general privacy. Especially as a child inches closer and closer to legal adulthood, such invasive actions are increasingly unacceptable and abusive. Not having boundaries often comes with excessive rules, such as not being allowed to date, a strict curfew, and a closely regulated social circle.

A parent who does not allow boundaries will be excessively suspicious and accusatory. Simple actions of independence might seem like defiance. A parent with no boundaries will often restrict their child’s limited independence as a punishment; such as taking away car keys, grounding, restricting access to social events, or otherwise isolating their child even further.

However every action inspires an equal and opposite reaction, and a teen might grow even more creatively secretive or rebellious if they feel they are under too much of a microscope. As an adult, paranoia and distrust of authority will become the norm, and isolating actions might continue. Someone who grew up with a lack of privacy tends to be very protective of their security and privacy as an adult, or they may internalize the behavior, and see nothing wrong with invading other’s space and disrespecting other’s boundaries.

You Feel Strong Negative Emotions When Thinking of the Past: If you still have strong feelings of resentment toward your parent, it could be because of how they treated you in the past. The parent in question may outwardly seem amiable now, or the bad behavior might be in the past, but when you think about them or review your memories, you experience anger, rage, or angst. Some parents might have been incompetent or not present as parents but on the whole seem like decent people or it might be hard to pinpoint overt or obvious abuse. However, be aware of the term “weaponized incompetence”, which typically refers to the husband/wife household chore dynamic in which the male person pretends confusion or incompetence in order to get their partner “to just do it themselves.” However, incompetence is weaponized in any situation in which a person is capable of accepting and fulfilling the responsibility, but forces the extra work on the other person by pretending they aren’t capable. Neglect is abuse and not taking the effort to be a good parent is a slippery slope to becoming a bad parent. Inaction is still an action, and has consequences.

You Grew Up Fast: Being parentified or adultified is a role reversal in which a child assumes parental responsibility because the parent is incapable of managing on their own. That can look like the child being completely self-sufficient and managing to feed, dress, and bath themselves far beyond the capacity typically expected of a child of that age. Or perhaps the child is simply managing their parents’ emotions at all times, if not the actual household.

Some siblings may take on greater responsibility for care of their younger brother or sister, and thus become parentified by acting as a miniature parent to another younger child. You may have been adultified if you were taking on adult responsibilities far earlier than expected or would be reasonable, or were acting as a personal assistant to your family with the implication being that if you didn’t do it, well … it wouldn’t get done. If you found that another was dependent on you emotionally or physically regardless of age or relative competence - then you may have been adultified. It’s very common to hold up this experience later as a good thing. After all, it can be pointed out that learning and fulfilling real responsibilities at a young age fosters civic duty and a good work ethic.

However, internalizing abuse is the first step a young person takes, so be careful. Sure, responsibility can be good for a child. But stress changes the way you develop and grow. Excessive stress during development is not a positive thing, and there are important reasons why child labor is illegal. In addition, every action can result in an equal but opposite reaction. In other words, an adult who never got to experience a carefree childhood, may be drawn to fun yet potentially dangerous behaviors such as gambling, drinking, and partying. After all, what’s the harm in a little fun? A healthy adult will be able to unwind without using “fun” as a crutch or a way to run away from responsibilities, but an adult who grew up too fast may want to experience a carefree existence, and may jeopardize current relationships because of that desire. Another outcome may be that caretaker attitudes have been truly internalized as an adult, and these people may feel an overwhelming burden to be a provider to other people in their lives, re-living the only way they were perceived as valuable as children. This can lead to burnout and self-harm. As with everything, balance is key. Sure, it’s healthy to shoulder your adult responsibilities, but never let the child inside die out completely. Having the keen sense of adventure, a lighthearted persona, and the boundless curiosity of a child will enhance your life as an adult.

You Were Infantilized: The opposite of being adultified is being infantilized. This is when a parent responds to a child as if the child should represent some idyllic version of youth as opposed to being true to their authentic self. Infantilization occurs when you coddle, condescend, spoil, pamper, or patronize someone regardless of their age or abilities. This can be similar to helicopter parenting, in which parents spoil the child so mightily that they have little to no mental resources for problem solving or overcoming obstacles; since they’ve never had to face any. Some experts have linked infantilization to narcissism, in which parents fear their children becoming adults and thus their equals. This can also manifest in externalizing ambitions, such as a “Toddler and Tiara’s” mom, or a dad who coaches and devotes himself to his child’s sporting hobby to an excessive degree, focusing on winning over their child’s actual enjoyment of the sport.

A parent can attempt to live out certain fantasies through their children - the focus of this manifestation is often some ambition they had as a youth and were unable to achieve. Being infantilized can often mean you are treated like a toy, and expected to provide joy but then to go away and not be a bother as soon as you are finished performing. Narcissistic parents are more likely to infantilize their children because they see their children as an extension of themselves. Parents use infantilization to undermine their children's independence by doing things for them in inappropriate ways, or by making their child feel incompetent. As a result of infantilization, when these children reach adulthood and live on their own, they may lack the basic skills required to function, forcing them to rely on others and continuing the cycle.

Infantilization can also be dehumanizing and have a negative impact on those who are subjected to it. It diminishes their uniqueness by minimizing their abilities, thoughts, feelings, and actions. By denying a child the feeling of competence and self-assurance, crippling anxiety and self-doubt spring up instead. Internal levels of doubt can become too much to bear over time, leading to depression or anxiety. If your parent does not acknowledge competence or attained adulthood, that can be a sign you were infantilized as a child, and most of the time this behavior has not changed just because you are now an adult.

Spanking Was Normal: Just know that anything beyond a light smack on the butt when a child is in error is probably considered physical abuse by todays standards. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” used to be a common saying. Outright beating of children, often with switches and sticks, was the lived experience of almost every child born prior to around the 1970’s. However, thanks to science and changing social norms, we now realize such behaviors are damaging to children and corporal punishment does not in fact have positive or healthy effects. It’s ok to say “I was beaten or abused and I turned out all right.” Of course you did. Children are endlessly adaptable and will thrive in almost any situation.

Anything that happened frequently would be normal to a child, and of course you absolutely can be a healthy, sane and contributing adult to society if you were abused as a child. The danger in such statements lies in the implication that it's acceptable to continue the cycle, or to otherwise imply that a child is somehow actually "better off" because of the abuse. Across countries and cultures, corporal punishment has been linked to a variety of negative outcomes for children, including physical and mental illness, impaired cognitive and socio-emotional development, poor educational outcomes, increased aggression, and violence perpetration.

Children not only feel pain, sadness, fear, anger, shame, and guilt when they are threatened and physically punished, but they also experience physiological stress and the activation of neural pathways that help them deal with danger. Physically abused children have high hormonal reactivity to stress, overloading biological systems such as the nervous, cardiovascular, and nutritional systems. Violence changes brain structures and functions - often leading to anger, mental and social issues, and more violence - there’s a reason we call it a cycle. Despite its widespread acceptance, spanking has been linked to atypical brain function similar to that of more severe abuse, undermining the commonly cited argument that less severe forms of physical punishment are not harmful.

You Have “Mommy/Daddy” Issues: If you find that you frequently choose romantic partners who have traits similar to your parents, both good and bad - be cautious. We often choose partners who fit certain patterns, and if we come from an abusive or neglectful home, we are more likely to find ourselves in relationships with people who will treat us the same way. Another reaction is that we seek that which we lacked. A misogynistic ‘joke’ goes something like this - “the best lays are the one’s with daddy issues”.

Because “daddy issues” often mean abandonment or neglect of a father figure, young women who’ve experienced such a lack are famous for seeking it out in their romantic partner. Because they have no experience regarding what a healthy relationships looks like, these girls often have an overly idealized fantasy of a male partner, and often place some aspect of their identity on finding the perfect man. Oftentimes, they are drawn to older men, or men who seem responsible, put together, and present (the opposite of the absent father figure). Societal expectations of a woman settling down and starting a family of her own feeds into this need, but certainly the lack of a role model for a healthy adult relationship does not help in her quest for a life-partner.

"Mommy issues" are problems that people face later in life as a result of their childhood relationship with their mothers. If a female child has mommy issues, it usually means that her mother has nitpicked or verbally criticized her daughter, or perhaps treated her like competition. This can lead to issues with self-esteem and self-image later in life. When it comes to men, having mommy issues can mean being too close to their mother or looking for a partner who is similar to their mother, often comparing the two. It is frequently associated with the phrase "mama's boy," which can imply being coddled, spoiled, or otherwise being weak and unable to defend oneself. This can also occur when mothers are overly servile and instill in men the idea that this is how women should act. Men with “mommy issues” seem to look for a romantic partner who will acct more as a servant and a support system than a true life-partner and equal.

Of course, the cycle can be broken, but the first step is to recognize it. Remember, abuse does not automatically mean victim-hood or deep harm. All people are flawed, and it’s important to have realistic expectations of your parents, especially after you grow up and realize how hard parenting actually is.

There is a difference between making mistakes and actual abuse, and there is a huge range or scale within the abuse spectrum. You can be matter-of-fact and acknowledge that your parents exhibited some abusive behaviors, without completely rejecting them as a whole, or deciding that you don’t love them anymore. There’s something about the dependence and love a child feels towards their parents that seems almost involuntary, and many victims of some pretty extreme abuse, neglect, and otherwise horrifying harm still express a deep and abiding love for the monsters who harmed them. It’s difficult, but not impossible, to reconcile feelings of love with the understanding that in any relationship, there must be healthy boundaries and respect.

You can still love someone but chose to cut off contact with them. Many adult survivors of abuse take that route. After all, “tough love” is a powerful concept, and many people hold out hope that their abusers can change, and grow to be better people, or that there is some component of their abusive behavior that is outside of their control (such as mental illness). Be careful - while you can certainly “help” your abusive parent, most forms of acceptance and love will simply be twisted into new means of manipulation, control, and further abuse. Sometimes the only way to break the cycle is to leave the relationship entirely.

Present, But Not There For You: Was your parent present but not “all there?” Another sign of emotional abuse is if your parent was physically present but otherwise absent — working on a computer, phone, or lost in a drug or alcohol-induced haze. In the song “the Cat’s in the Cradle”, by Harry Chapin, the dynamics of a neglectful parental figure are explored. The lyrics go:

My child arrived just the other day

He came to the world in the usual way

But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay

He learned to walk while I was away....

The middle of the song describes various times the father and son found themselves too busy for one another. The song closes with this verse.

I've long since retired, my son's moved away

I called him up just the other day

I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind

He said, I'd love to, dad, if I can find the time

You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu

But it's sure nice talking to you, dad

It's been sure nice talking to you

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me

He'd grown up just like me

My boy was just like me

This song is poignant because of how deep the truth is. Your son or daughter will usually grow up just like you. So take care, as parents. Break the cycle, before its too late. If you recognize some of the signs and believe that the way you were raised has an impact on your relationships — it is best to seek help from a therapist. It’s never too late.

“If mental abuse was a punishable crime, a lot of parents would be in jail serving a long term.”

- Maddy Malhotra -

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